The Non Smokers Guide to the Cig Break

Congratulations — you’ve just pulled the day’s ninetieth pint of piss-poor import lager. You’ve frothed your hundredth cappuccino with the non-barista oat milk that bubbles up all wrong. Or maybe that table that keeps ordering their drinks separately has ordered yet another single glass of prosecco, and despite the fact that it’s only one drink your manager has insisted that you serve it to them on a tray, and even though you hate serving prosecco on a tray you still did it, just about making it to the table with drink and dignity intact. 

Your one and only reward is that singular and exquisite relief that every hospitality worker craves: The Cig Break. 

But there is a problem, a problem that could stand between you and this brief liberty: You Don’t Actually Smoke. 

Don’t panic, because I have compiled for you the ultimate: Non-Smokers Guide to Convincing Your Manager You’re Off For a Smoke When Actually You’re Just Going For Some Air.

The Cig Break, or Snout Break if you, like me, are from Glasgow, or apparently a ‘Smoko’ if you’re Australian, is an unofficial legal requirement for any hospitality employee. At any moment in a shift, regardless of how rammed the restaurant or backed-up the bar, our smoking colleagues are entitled by law to disappear into some seedy back alley and leave us to tackle the onslaught single-handedly. However, this is no reason to turn on our colleagues and attempt to deny them the indulgence they so desperately crave. Instead, all you have to do is convince your boss that you’re a smoker too.

The first thing you need to learn in order to successfully trick your ‘superiors’ is the art of the perfect Smoker’s Rasp. This should not be a full blown Patty-and-Selma style rasp just yet. Only seasoned smokers achieve this, this is something that you need to work toward. Jumping the gun on the rasp will only serve to make you seem ill, and while that’s great for wangling sick days, this is the Cig Break guide, and we need to focus here. Instead, keep your rasp subtle, never overbearing. A slight constriction of the throat. A gentle over-emphasis of the letter ‘H’. Less is more, especially if you’re trying to convince your existing manager that you’ve just picked up the habit.

Next comes the Smoker’s Cough, similar to the rasp, but a little less nuanced. Once again it's important to remember that you’re not looking to get sent home early, so you’re going for the cough of someone who has just inadvertently caused some minor but ultimately irreversible damage to their lungs. Try to imagine that you’ve just spent the last three minutes deliberately inhaling tar and rolling paper. Perfect! You should aim to cough like this an average of once every three minutes. This average can be increased slightly in the ten minutes after you’ve returned from your Cig Break, and try to execute at least one convincing coughing fit per shift, just to sweeten the deal.

When you finally do go for your Cig Break, it’s crucial that you don’t get caught breathing actual air. For this reason I don’t recommend going to the designated smoking area, where you run the risk of getting caught and grassed up by your jobsworth supervisor Becky, even though she gains absolutely nothing from telling on you.

Instead, if you work in a cafe, restaurant, or takeaway, try hiding in the walk-in fridge. It’s cold, yes, obviously, and the air tastes like onions, but that way if you’re caught you can just pretend you’ve gone in there for a cry.

If you work in a bar or a pub, you can always hide in the barrel cellar, where you run absolutely no risk of getting caught because no one ever actually ever checks the barrels except you, do they. The only situation in which you may be caught is if one of your colleagues comes in to hide in the corner recording unnecessarily long winded voice notes for their boyfriend.

Alternatively, you could demand from your employee the right to just go breathe some air if you feel the need to. No one should be working to the point of feeling exhausted or overwhelmed, and no pint is more important than your basic need to feel comfortable at work. Have a serious conversation with your manager about being overworked and needing short breaks throughout the day alongside your usual twenty minutes. 

And, if all that fails, just start smoking!